I wanna passion pit in your ass
I am midnight drunk by noon
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
