You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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