You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
