nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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