we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize