To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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