I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
