wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
