i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
