i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
