But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize