my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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