Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
