Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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