Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
