I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
