i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
