If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
