he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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