Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
