you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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