Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
