eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
