Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
