People in love make me want to vomit
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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