ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Randomize
