a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
