i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
