T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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