why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
