Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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