i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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