Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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