I look better un-naked...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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