My sheets look like a crime scene.
time to smoke my breakfast
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
