ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
