If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
