just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
