Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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