Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
