after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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