I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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