He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
