from now on my penis is your penis
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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