lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
