She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
