Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
