i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
