Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
