tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
