i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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