You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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