I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize