every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
