I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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