nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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