I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
