and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
