I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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