I was born with a shot glass in my hand
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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