Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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