I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
